


nightmares

by jasondean



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Post-Canon, Pshhh no i did not forget where i was going with this fic, they r my sweet children who deserve all the happiness in the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 22:36:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8915644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: its always worse when youre alone; lukas and philip are lucky to have each other.





	

"Please don't leave me," he says, his voice cracking as the words leave his lips. He says it so softly that if it weren't for their close proximity, Philip would have missed them entirely.

"I'm not going anywhere, Lukas."

The good days outweigh the bad days. They have for some time, and though it's been blissful, there is always the possibility of the  _what ifs_ that run through Philip's head becoming reality, like the constant ticking of an analog clock echoing in his brain. Ever since he was a kid, he's known that the only way to survive is to live in the moment and not give a thought to how the past has wronged you or what the future will bring.

That's easier put into practice when it's concerning yourself and not a whole other being with experiences and emotions and problems of his own. 

He managed to get Lukas out onto the lake and they spent the afternoon paddling along the shallows... _Tick_...In the evening, they watched the setting sun from the branches of the closest tree... _Tick_...Philip was supposed to go home, he loitered a bit too long in Lukas's room before managing to make his way to the door and  _Boom._

It happened all at once, like someone had slugged him in the stomach and he couldn't get his breath back. He was tossing a baseball, lying on his back and trying to hit the ceiling, saying something to Philip when his words got caught. The ball was in the air and he couldn't catch it on its descent, instead it landed hard on his chest before rolling away, onto the wooden floor with a thud.

He said his name once, then twice, then moved to his side, where he lay struggling to steady his breathing and his racing pulse.  _Shit. Sorry, sorry,_ he'd said,  _sorry, sorry._

He asked for Philip's hand, sheepishly, embarrassed, and he held on so tight that his knuckles went white. He didn't ask to be held, but Philip did so anyway. 

"I hate this," Lukas breathes. "I hate this so, so much."

"Yeah, I know," Philip replies. He uses his free hand, the one not claimed by Lukas's clammy grasp, to stroke the boy's hair. He never used to feel so helpless. 

"Do you get nightmares, Philip?"

"Yeah."

"I think that's the worst part," Lukas murmurs. "It always feels so real. Like, like, I know I'll forget them, I always forget them, but when I wake up it's... It's just the worst. I don't know."

He gives a small nod, remaining silent. He's afraid to say anything at all, but maybe vocalizing and affirmation would have been better, because now Lukas becomes alarmed and restless in his arms.

"Philip?" he asks. "Are you still here?"

"Yeah," he replies. "Yeah, I'm here." He squeezes his hand. It takes a heartbeat for Lukas to squeeze back.

"Last night, I had this dream where we were on my bike and he shot you, like, the whole air just _exploded_ and you fell and there was just, all this blood..." Tears prick at his eyes and roll down his face as he talks. He takes in a gulp of air, moving Philip's hand on his chest, over the bullet wound that had finally scarred over. 

"He's dead, Lukas," he says gently. 

"I know, I know," he mumbles. "I know. I sound stupid."

"No, that's..." Philip clears his throat. "I'm okay. So are you."

"Sometimes I wish I'd just died, you know," Lukas says as he moves his hand from Philip's until only their fingertips brush. He closes his eyes, shifting from where he'd made himself at home in the crook of Philip's elbow to his chest, where he can hear the steady  _thump-thump_ of his heart and the soft whistling of his timed breathing. "When he shot me, I mean, like, maybe that would have been easier, if I just died in the hospital."

Philip moves his fingers through his mess of blond hair, gently moving through tangles and knots. "Maybe."

"Do you think Helen will be mad at you?" he asks abruptly. "It's late. I'm sorry."

"I don't know, probably," Philip says. "That's more of a her thing, though. I'm pretty sure she secretly loves the whole scolding and making rules thing. Makes her feel like a mom, you know? She'll get over it," he promises, "don't be sorry."

"Do you think my mom would've loved me?" Lukas asks randomly. 

"Yeah," he replies without a moment of hesitation.

"I can't really remember what she was like. Is that weird? I like to think she'd be really proud of me. I always thought my life would be easier if she were alive but, I don't know, you know? God, I can't remember," he repeats, voice wavering. "Why can't I remember?"

"I don't remember my mom's eye color," Philip whispers. 

"What?"

"Nope. But I can remember how she would ask me about school whenever she was there when I got home. When she was home when I got off the bus, she wasn't ever on anything. I don't know why, but she wasn't. She'd ask me about school and I'd tell her about PE or science or whatever the fuck happened that day and she'd give me this smile and she'd hug me real tight and tell me I was going to be so famous. She'd tell me I was a genius and I really believed she meant it, you know?"

"You _are_ a genius, Philip," Lukas says.

"Don't patronize me," he mumbles, though a small smile cracks his expression. "I don't remember what her favorite food was, if she even had one. But I remember exactly what she got me for my ninth birthday," he recalls, blinking away tears that form in his eyes. "It was a bootleg Pokemon game. I lost it two weeks later and I cried so hard because I felt _so_ bad for losing it, because I'd been talking about how badly I wanted Pokemon for the past year and I thought my mom would be pissed and think I was ungrateful or something. Stupid, right?" he laughs. "She wasn't mad at all. She said she'd get me a new one."

"Did you?" Lukas asks.

"Nah," Philip laughs. "But it's whatever."

"You miss her?"

"More than anything."

He looks down to see that Lukas has opened his eyes, his gaze on him. He smiles as their eyes meet, both misty.

"She loved you a lot, Lukas, even though she only met you once," Philip says. "She loved you because I loved you. Everyone would try to tell me things to make me hate her. Some of them were true. But she never pretended to love me. It was all real. I wish you got to know her better, Lukas..."

"Me too."

He moves his hand over Philip's, turning his head to kiss him gently. "You're my best friend."

"I bet that's what you tell all the pretty boys."

"I mean it, asshole," Lukas laughs. "I love you."

"Ditto," Philip replies.

"You're such a bitch!"

Philip smiles back at him. He kisses Lukas, long and hard, resting his head against his after he pulls away. "I love you too."

 

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hi im sorry this sucked


End file.
